The Rules of Attraction (Or Lack There Of)

Attraction is a funny beast.  It's one of those things that sometimes it's there - and sometimes, it just isn't.  And it's SO RIDICULOUS. (And no, this is not just because I got sucked into a 'Married at First Sight' marathon and now I'm overanalyzing EVERY relationship I've ever had.)

I have been dating for at least 17 years - ever since the 8th grade when my very first boyfriend held my hand on the bus.  Our relationship lasted the three hour bus ride home from the state capital during that particular stage in life when having a boyfriend was everything that a girl needed to be popular.  Pretty sure we broke up immediately afterwards - I probably had one of my friends call one of his friends and break the bad news to him.  And that still didn't stop him from trying to feel me up during an innocent back rub during freshman year.  And sophomore year.  And probably senior year too.  (For the record - it never worked.)

During the last few years, I have gone on a lot of dates.  I'm not sure it's more than the average single person (it's actually probably not - I have friends that have gone on LOTS of dates.  Like multiple dates in a day kind of dating) - I'm not like that.  But I've still gone on my fair share of dates.  And have spent even more time talking to various dudes via messenger and text.  And generally - I can tell within a few short messages if this is something that has potential or not.

I don't mean that to sound so judgmental. But seriously. It is baffling to me how someone who is great on paper - handsome, successful, charismatic - can fall so flat on my attraction scale, while on the other hand, I can be so crazy attracted to someone who I only have a few hilarious text message exchanges with.  Is chemistry truly a result of a physical meeting?  Or is it something that we can develop before we actually lay eyes on each other?

These are the ultimate questions of dating.  How much 'foreplay' is too much?  When you meet someone via online dating (or really - any relationship where a face-to-face meeting isn't immediately possible), how long can you text, message, call, and flirt before the spark wears itself out? If the spark isn't there during initial contact - should you even bother meeting?  And heaven forbid - what if the spark is so good during the foreplay that it puts too much pressure on for the actual meeting and you blow it?  What then?

Seriously.  I'm exhausted just thinking about all these questions.

Hawaii... Part 3 (And 4. And Maybe 5)

Well, my Hawaii adventure is officially over.  I seriously think I'm having withdrawals from the beach and the sunshine.  And I'm already agonizing over losing my tan.

Anyways...

Part 3: No one told me to bring long johns.  

What they should really put in the Big Island guidebook is that you probably won't see any actual lava.  Don't get me wrong... seeing the glow of lava at night was pretty darn cool.  But besides the illusion of lava, we really didn't see anything but rocks.  A lot of rocks.  So. Many. Rocks.

Walking the lava rock wasteland.

The other thing that should be in the guidebook?  How bloody, freaking cold it was on the volcano side of the mountain.  At least we brought sweatshirts and wore yoga pants.  It could have been worse - I saw people grossly unprepared.  That gift shop must make a killing off of sweatshirt sales.  It's probably the only place in all of Hawaii that sells more sweatshirts than anything else.

We saw almost every major volcano site on the Big Island.  We even saw where the lava flowed into the transfer station. For those of you who don't know what a transfer station is - it's a dump.  We saw hardened lava at the dump.  That's not in the guidebook either.  

Bucket List Item #394: See a volcano.  

Check.  

Part 4: We would have been terrible Vikings.  

Let's just get back to the fact that the ocean is terrifying.  The creatures that swim in the ocean are ginormous and sneak up on you.  I'm prepared to handle the predators of land - I can hear a bear crashing through the woods a mile away (okay... that may be a little exaggeration) but you get the idea.  Sharks?  Those suckers sneak up on you.  Urchins?  They just sit there like silent jagged rocks.  Manta rays?  Don't even get me started... 

While my first snorkeling experience didn't exactly go swimmingly (pun intended), my second was much better.  We look a sea kayak tour that included some snorkel time -  and after a serious internal battle (one in which my body was pretty adamant about remaining in the kayak and my brain was saying 'stop being a baby'), I jumped out of the kayak and snorkeled around a bit.  Actually... it went something more like this: put feet over edge of kayak. Pull them back in. Get yelled at by Paige for being a weenie.  Put feet back out - touch them to the water and try not to think of the story of the guy having his legs bitten off by a shark out of a kayak (thanks for that, Maui guy).  Fling self into water (yup... just as graceful as it sounds).  Immediately try to curl up into a floating version of the fetal position.  Realize I'll drown if I don't swim.  Tentatively swim.  Finally... snorkel.  I definitely never let the boat get more than 20 feet away from me.  But I did it.  And I didn't cry.  

Proof that I was, at one point, totally submerged in the ocean.
And not because I was drowning.  Two thumbs up!

Sea kayaking on the other hand was something COMPLETELY different than what I've gotten used to doing around here.  This was for several reasons:  

1. There are waves.
2. There is seasickness.  
3. There are shadows under the water that you are convinced are manta rays (and come on, at least one of them must have been something slightly more terrifying than a rock). 
4. We were terrible at rowing in tandem.  

Oh well... you can't be good at everything. 

When no one else is on the water to take your picture - selfies become your only option. 

We're in a sea cave. (If you sing it to the tune of 'I'm On A Boat', it gets way more exciting) 

Things we learned while on our kayaking adventure?
We would have made terrible vikings.
 Rowing in tandem?  Not our thing. 

Hawaii... Part 2 (Or... How I Puked in a Hawaii Costco Parking Lot)

I realized as I typed 'Part 2' that there may be many parts to this series... I'll be like the never ending Fast and the Furious franchise that is already up to like 18 or something mind-boggling like that. Although I legitimately would like to see the newest edition to the franchise - mostly as a tribute to  Paul Walker, who I had a gigantic crush on after the first movie - which I saw at least 5 times in the movie theater and totally fan-girled out over the cars at Universal Studios when I was a senior in high school. I almost wish I had access to those pictures just so I could share the total dorkiness that was me at 18... almost.

Anyways... back around to Hawaii...

Hawaii is still beautiful and I am still a shade of cherry tomato red.  Apparently my ability to rock a tan abandoned me when I became a Seattle resident. Fingers crossed that the latest in my battle with the glowing orb in the sky is a tan tomorrow.

PBR smells like college.

In other news... I SNORKELED!!!  And I didn't drown, cry, or freak out.  Okay... maybe I freaked out a little bit.  But the lifeguard didn't have to swim out to get me - so we're going to go ahead and call it a win.  I'll be the first to admit that I didn't love the general snorkeling experience.  There's something unnatural about breathing through a plastic tube with your face in the water.  My depth perception was all out of whack and so fish that were 20 feet away looked like they were right in my face - it's freaky.  When I saw a sea urchin that was no less than 12inches across, I was done.

So while yesterday started with some innocent snorkeling - it ended with a night out on the town.  For those of you who are familiar with my schedule - you are aware that generally my bedtime is early.  If I'm up til 10, I start to get concerned that I'll be all yawn-y the next day.  And I wish I could say that this only applies to 'school nights' but it doesn't.  It's all the time.  I like bed.  And sleeping.  It's a thing.  8 hours of sleep and I are a match made in heaven.  

Let's just say that I didn't get 8 hours of sleep yesterday.  I probably didn't even get 4.

We shut down the bar.  We made friends with locals.  We convinced a guy who wouldn't go away that we were a lesbian couple here for our wedding (to which he still didn't get the hint and hung around telling us how beautiful our love was and getting teary eyed over the fact that he isn't married. True story.).  We played giant Jenga.  We drank all the beers.

Today we went to one of the beautiful white sand beaches near Kona. (What I have learned is that Hawaii is the newest of the Hawaiian Islands and is full of lava.  Most of the beaches are really rocky because the rocks haven't broken down over hundreds of years into sand.  Just a quick knowledge bomb for you.) And I woke up this morning feeling like I had been hit by a Mack Truck.  Apparently 72 IPAs and two Gilligan's Girl coconut cocktails will do that to you.

So a little known fact about me is that I get terribly motion sick - the back seat of cars, rides at amusement parks, probably boats on the ocean - all of them make me want to hurl.  Well.  Today I did.  In the parking lot of Costco.  Awesome.  Vacation high point.  But, like Paige pointed out, at least it wasn't in the parking lot of a Walmart.  Touché.

Hawaii... Part 1

First off, I know that I've been a terrible blogger for the last year.  I've had a lot of personal things going on that have made it hard for me to be collected and put my thoughts down on paper and definitely, I have not been funny.  So... moving on. 

Hawaii!!!  The land of secret beaches in the middle of lava flows. 

I have been talking with one of my best friends for at least two years about taking a vacation somewhere - we've talked about London and Paris, all over the United States, and finally, Hawaii.  Paige is one of my sorority sisters from college and we are very much like two peas in a pod - minus that she carries a gun for work and I'm typically accessorizing the crap out of myself.  Well... she turned 30 this year, and I never took a 30th birthday trip - so we decided to make Kona, Hawaii, our big trip.  It's perfect - her family has a condo here and so basically all we had to do was get here.  Perfect.

She brought me a lei at the airport!  HAWAII!!!!

I've never been to Hawaii.  Growing up, our family vacations consisted of wherever we could go in the camper (i.e. NOT Hawaii).  I did get to spend a lot of time camping on a beach in Mexico - something that most people will never get to do (namely because now people get beheaded for even stepping foot in parts of Mexico).

Even growing up in California, I was never much of a beach kid.  I can't remember ever spending much time there (with the exception of Mexico).  I'm sure we went, but I just can't really remember it.  I have a vague memory of camping near the beach with my parents and my cousin and it being cold and rainy the entire time.  That being said - this could just be some dream I had once and it never actually happened.

Moral of the story?  I haven't spent much time in the ocean.  One time, in Mexico, a kid camping near us stepped on a sea urchin and impaled himself with no less than 70 quills in his foot (that's why you wear water shoes kids!).  It led to my first child-sized anxiety attack - in a less than ideal location - a boogie board in the middle of a deep tide pool.  There's some debate in my family about what happened next - but the general consensus is that I screamed my head off until my mom crawled out on the rocks and rescued me (thanks Mom).  I was 8. Add in the discovery of movies like Jaws and the ocean has been ruined for me since.

I am now 31 and am generally consider myself to be relatively tough. Well... tell that to the sea turtle who scared the shit out of me yesterday.  (And yes, he was 20 yards away - something I didn't know when Paige said 'Oh look - a sea turtle!')  Here's the thing about the ocean:  it is TERRIFYING.  For those of you who think sharks are the only scary things out there - you'd be wrong.  I have discovered my new greatest fear: manta rays (no - not manatees - I've conquered that fear - or at least laid it to wait until my next Florida or Puerto Rico trip).

See.  Terrifying.  And no, I didn't take this picture.  I will never in this lifetime be that close to one of these sea monsters. 

Manta rays are like the giant bats of the sea (and I don't particularly love the bats of land either) and here in Hawaii, they grow to a wingspan of something like 12 feet (sometimes bigger).  12 feet.  12 FEET.  We saw one at a distance yesterday - I mean a LONG distance, like 100 yards - and while it was beautiful, it also made my stomach jump into my throat.  People do night scuba diving with these creatures here and let them swim all around them - they are attracted to the flashlights.  Hell to the no.  Those people be crazy.

I'm looking forward to trying snorkeling (yes, I'm 31 and haven't snorkeled since I was probably 8) but I'm also terrified that I'll have a full fledged freakout in the water.  Water creatures are squirrely and the current adds to the mystery of where they are going.  On top of that, I'm not a super great swimmer - I can swim to save my life and the life of someone who is drowning - but besides that - not really great.  I didn't grow up swimming... that's not a thing we did in Montana a lot.  Floating the river?  Yes.  Jumping off the bridge into the river?  Yes.  Swimming?  No.

Turns out that I'm much better with scary land animals.  Maybe it's because we're on the same playing field.  When I get into the water, I very much feel how a fish out of water must feel.  I have been raised to know how to handle running into a bear in the woods - but put me in the water with a sea turtle and I have no idea what to do.  And before you say it, those suckers bite - I've seen it on NatGeoWild.

So... fingers crossed for my impending snorkeling experience.  I've borrowed an underwater camera so I can chronicle the entire experience - complete with scared face underwater selfies. Maybe I'll even get a picture or two of fishies.

I should be off - Hawaii is a land where everyone gets up at the crack of dawn and sitting out here on the lanai (can I please start calling my patio that?),  I'm pretty sure I just saw a small child out jogging with her parents. That probably means its time to get my butt in gear. Unfortunately, no one that I'm staying with understands the importance of coffee like I do.  At least Paige knows that I'm much more amenable to life in general after a cup of coffee. That's the joy of having a friend for 10+ years.

Throwback Weekend

This weekend, I went back to Spokane for a quick trip down memory lane.  And by memory lane - I actually mean Cheney/EWU - my alma mater.  Okay, college was probably some of the best four years of my life.  And that doesn't mean that all the awesome stuff that has happened since or before doesn't matter - but I wouldn't trade my years at EWU for anything.  This weekend was so much fun - great time with great friends.  So glad I went.

That being said, this weekend made it grossly apparent that I am now officially an adult and not a 20 year old kid.  This is why:

#1) My appreciation of clean bathrooms.  

Wait.

Let's actually make this more general.  My appreciation of clean spaces period.  I was in a sorority. Hands down - joining Gamma Phi Beta was one of the best decisions of my life.  But I'll be the first to admit that sorority and fraternity houses aren't always the cleanest places.  This weekend, I definitely had a moment of 'wait... were frat houses always this gross? is this a new thing?'.

Yeah... I'm pretty sure they were always that gross.  I was just impervious to the grime.  And I probably drank enough vodka that I was immune to the germs anyways (shh... don't tell).

#2)  The bar at 11:50pm.  

Okay - lies.

The bar at 9:45pm.

I know that I lost my cool factor like 5 years ago (maybe I never had it? Unsure), but seriously, I'm too old to show up at a bar later than 9:45.  At 9:45 - I'm pretty sure that if I'm not already out, I am probably in my sweat pants.  Old?  Yup.

#3) I actually go to the football game and care about who wins (us, obviously).  

When we were in college, I'm pretty sure that I went to approximately 50% of the games that I tailgated at.  EWU was only mediocre when I was living in Cheney and so, unfortunately, no one really cared.  We were way more concerned with how much beer we could drink (again... shhhh... don't tell!).

EWU games are a totally different beast than they were when I was there.  The tailgate situation is awesome.  The team is AMAZING. It's just so much more fun.

#4)  Day drinking is fun.  Until it's not.  

As an adult, there is a wall that I hit during day drinking. That wall is directly proportionate to the  amount of sleep I get the night before and the amount of food that I have eaten that day.  And for every hour that goes by - you should probably make sure that I have food - I'm like one of those guys in the Snickers commercials.

I officially hit a wall after the game.  And was tired.  And hangry.  And thirsty.  And a little bit car sick.  And therefore SUPER grumpy.

And THAT never happened in college.

CrossFit Girls Guide to... The Rules for Dating.

Lately, I’ve had several conversations with friends about dating and what we are ‘supposed’ to do.  We live in these constraints of when to call, when to text, when to wait, what to say, what not to say.  But do these rules really matter?  Seriously.  Do they? 

I’m not sure that they do. 

Maybe I’m the wrong person to be questioning these rules, as I’m still very much the most single person alive. So I guess there’s a good chance that I’m doing everything wrong.  

I have to wonder – would things be different if we stopped living under this crazy cloak of fear that we are going to mess things up?  If we didn’t play these games of ‘I don’t want to seem too eager so I’m going to make them wait for a response’ or if we didn’t feel weird about asking for what we want – would that change things in our favor? 

I would love for someone to say what they mean and do what they say.  And if this just happens to be a hot dude who drinks whiskey and does CrossFit – even more the better. 

I’m pretty sure that I spend way more time that I should being concerned over what someone meant when they responded ‘Cool.’ to a text message.  I dwell.  I wish I could say that I didn’t – but I do.  And honestly, many of my friends do (dudes included).  And if we do, it means a lot of people do.

I have to think that some level of dwelling is natural.  I have spent the last year dwelling over something that I screwed up with someone who was actually pretty great.  See… I don’t just dwell over what other people do and say – I also dwell over the stupid stuff that I do.  We all do it – I think it’s just rare that we’ll admit it. 

I’m trying to be slightly less obsessive over the crazy unspoken (or spoken in hushed voices) rules that seem to rule the dating world today.  And I’d like to exchange these unofficial rules for a couple of official ones. 

1. Don’t say ‘Drinks definitely’ if you don’t mean ‘Drinks?! Definitely!’
2. Never use the words ‘I have quite a lot of board games’.
3. The word ‘cool’ and the 'thumbs up' emoji, don’t actually mean anything.  Use your words. 

My Next 30 Years

Today is the last day of my 20s.  Holy crap.  Some things just sneak up on you - and 30 was one of those things.  

There were many things that I thought I'd have figured out by 30.  I thought I'd be married, I thought I'd be well on my way to kids, I thought I'd be well established in my career.  But it's like they say 'Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans'.  Seriously.  Nothing in my life is as I thought it would be on the eve of turning 30.  Even though I'm not where I thought I'd be, it doesn't mean I'm in a bad place.  My 20s included some of the best and worst times of my life, both which will be hard to duplicate in my next 30 years.  Let's recap my 20s, shall we? 

• I graduated from college with some of the best friends and sorority sisters that I could ask for.  I literally couldn't have asked for a more awesome 4 years at Eastern.  It was incredible.  The friends that I made there are my sisters, my best friends, my soul mates - I could not ask for more from them.  The experiences that we had together were/are unforgettable (even the ones that we don't remember).  
• I moved to Seattle.  This was supposed to be a 3-5 year venture.  It's now going on year eight and I can pretty much say that I've made this wet, rainy place my home.  I have made wonderful friends here (Fab 5 + Lisa!) and seriously couldn't imagine a world without them for happy hour, brunch, lunch, cocktails, cocktails, cocktails, and gossip.  
• I fell madly in love.  At 24, I met the love of my young life.  Even though it was touch and go for years (y'all who were around then know exactly what I'm talking about), we pulled through and had the most incredible relationship I could have asked for.  Even though it didn't work out how we all hoped - it doesn't change the fact that Will was the one for me in my 20s.  
• I got engaged.  IN PARIS.  That just doesn't get to happen to everyone.  I'll consider myself lucky for the rest of my life that I got to have that experience.  
• I dealt with earth shattering loss.  And I survived.  Sometimes I don't know how.  But I did.  I kept seeing the quote: 'You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have'.  I don't even know if I can appropriately call me getting through that being strong - I just did what I had to do to survive.  And if I can make it through the loss of my person - I know that I can make it through pretty much anything. 
• I found a new passion in CrossFit.  The loss of Will was soul crushing and CrossFit gave me something to be excited about again.  And now as I coach - I try to share that enthusiasm with our athletes (or annoy the crap out of people who just want me to shut up and let them workout.  It's 50/50 really.).  
• I left my job and ultimately decided to start my own business.  If you can't do this at 29 - when can you do it?  Biggest professional risk I've ever taken.  But I'm happy again.  And I was miserable at my old job.  There is definitely something to be said for being happy and terrified. I'll take it over miserable any day.  

There were a lot of really exciting things about my last decade but I'm excited (albeit terrified) about the next 30 years.  I'm a different person that I was a few years ago - I'm older, stronger, and hopefully wiser   So let's see what's next... 

Toes in the Sand

This last weekend, I got to spend a much needed weekend in the sun in California.  I've needed a vacation for a while - but more than anything, I've needed some time in the sun.  This winter has been especially rainy and dark and as much as I love Seattle - there is a time when it starts to wear on you.  

I left on Thursday - it couldn't have been more horrible timing with my Grandpa going into the hospital.  I spent a lot of time on the phone with my family trying to decide if I was going to go to Idaho to be with him or keep my vacation plans.  These are, of course, the worst kinds of decisions to have to make as there really is no right choice.  After a conference call with my dad - we decided that I should still go to California.  Although there will some people who would argue that I made the wrong choice - I know that it was the right thing to do for me.  That being said - I probably wasn't the best version of myself on this trip.  

California is where my oldest and longest friend lives.  I have been friends with Diana for as long as I can remember - I literally can't remember a time when we weren't friends.  Her family has been my extended family and I'm glad I got to spend this weekend with them.  They don't care if I'm off my game or a little less social and smiley than normal.  

I headed to California with certain hopes for this trip.  And although I had a blast - it wasn't exactly what I was hoping for.  But... sometimes that's how the chips fall and I'm trying to be okay with it.  While I'm bummed about certain things - I'm thrilled that I got to spend time with Diana and her family, especially while I was going through everything with my own family.  Sometimes, when you can't be with your own family - you get lucky enough to have the next best thing.  

Santa Monica Pier 

At the Getty Villa

Huntington Beach

#letmetakeaselfie

Because wine in the sun is better than wine in the rain.

#letmetakeanotherselfie (but this time I'm wearing a hat) 

A St. Patty's Day to Remember

Okay... in all fairness.... today isn't actually St. Patrick's Day.  But it was the St. Pattys Day Dash and that's practically the same thing.  We signed up for the 5K a couple of weeks ago and it was finally time to actually do it.  In the pouring rain.  And the cold.  Ugh.  Nothing screams 'Yay! I'm going to run a 5K' like rain and wet.  

Big bow ties?  Winning.  

So... confession time - we didn't actually run.  Except for the last 10 feet over the finish line.  We walked (but at a pretty quick clip!), drank our coffee, chit chatted, and gawked at costumes.  There were a lot of people in tutus.  And let me tell you... tutus droop in the rain.  

Best costume I saw?  Guy in a rainbow tutu and suspenders.  And that's it.  

Biggest perk of the race?  The beer garden.  I mean... do people even run 5Ks for any other reason??  

When there is drinking and revelry - there is also lots of left over plastic keg cups.  Therefore, there is also drunken artistic shenanigans.  

And I shall leave you with this.  Happy St. Patricks Day.  Wear your green tomorrow or I shall pinch you.  

What's Brand M?

I've been getting a lot of questions lately about what I've been up to since leaving the WBA - have I found a job, am I still looking for a job, am I freaking out?  Yes, yes and yes.  All of the above... yes.  BUT... I'm finally ready to announce what else I've been working on: 

I am starting up my own consulting company - Brand M Consulting LLC.  

Logo design by Bill Reilly Design. Yay!  Thanks Bill.

Holy shit balls.  I'm starting my own company.  Actually, I've already started my own company.  It's a real thing.  I own a company.  Or better... I am a company.  I'm the whole kit and caboodle.  And I have clients.  Clients.  Real clients who are paying me for my expertise.  WHAT?!

This is the most exciting and terrifying thing that I've ever done and therefore I'm simultaneously panicking and celebrating.  

So... what does Brand M do exactly?  At this stage - we are simply meeting our customers marketing needs and helping to create marketing plans and implementation strategies.  Specifically, we focus on social media, website content and marketing collateral.  There are obviously more specific details - but for the purpose of not boring you to death, I'll spare you the full descriptions.  

Even though I'm terrified, this is something that feels right.  I saw a quote (on a Lululemon bag of all things) that said 'If you wake up uninspired more than two days in a row - change your life'.  Doing this stuff - it inspires me.  I get to be creative, I get to work with amazing small business and start ups and help them achieve their dreams.  It's awesome.  My clients are small businesses with staff of 1-12 people - the kind of businesses that don't have huge budgets for marketing and need to make the most out of what they have.  I love coming up with creative ideas, writing blog posts and getting them involved with their communities - always a must-do for small business.  

I'm totally freaked out... but I'm happy.  I know that one client will lead to another as long as I continue to work my ass off and prove that I deserve it.  I have an awesome mentor who gives me great advice and I've had an awesome group of people supporting me from the get-go.  

It's awesome and I'm psyched.  So... go Brand M!!!  Hope that this explains a little bit more about my long hiatus from blogging and just about the crazy amount of work I've been doing lately.  

Things Often Left Unsaid

It's that time of year.  The time where I need to take some time to recognize the most important person to ever come into my life.  Two years ago, I lost my fiance, Will, in a skiing accident.  I don't talk about him a lot but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him. I always hesitate to post about him - it's so unbelievably private and hard to share - but here goes.  

Tomorrow (Jan 22) is the actual date that he died but today is almost just as hard.  It's the last totally normal day that we had - filled with hair cuts, trips to the Post Office for wedding stamps, homemade dinner, and a bad made-for-tv movie.  Today is the day that I really miss him - tomorrow is a day I remember to be totally filled with chaos and shock.  Nothing about this week is easy - I don't think that it ever will be.  But I stay busy and smile and go about my regular life - all the things that he would want me to do.  Even when I'm older and hopefully have a family of my own - he will never cease to be a crucial part of my life and his death was one of the defining moments that made me who I am now.    

Will was my other half. He was that person who made my life complete and the last two years have been harder that I ever like to admit.  It's hard to explain, but you move forward knowing that someone can't come back - but yet you are still holding out hope that it could somehow happen.  

I remember him every single day and I know that I will for the rest of my life.  I'm a different person now than I was when I was with Will - neither is better, neither is worse - I'm just different.  It's impossible to go thru something like that and not come out differently. 

In November, Will was honored by the military by having a room at the European Command Center in Stuttgart, Germany dedicated to him.  During Will's time in Germany - he helped design and implement a communications suite.  It was a huge project and one that he was incredibly proud to be a part of.  I remember him talking about it almost daily during our long-distance phone calls and chat sessions.  He worked his tail off on that room and the military honored him by naming it after him.  

Will would be incredibly humbled and honored to have his name on a room that he worked so hard for.  It sounds so silly.  After all - it's just a room right?  No.  It's not just a room.  One of Will's best friends (who happens to be married to one of my best friends and is the reason that Will and I were together in the first place) sent me an email explaining to me just how big of a deal this is (and I hope he doesn't kill me for including it here): 

There are currently 10 Combatant Commands.  Each with a 4 Star General or Admiral in charge.  These commanders along with the service chiefs (top ranking officer of each service) run the DOD.  It doesn't get any higher than a Combatant Command unless you are at the Pentagon.   Will having a bronze plaque, dedication and room named after him is monumental.  To put things in perspective: I have served in the Navy for 18 years and have never known anyone to receive this honor and I have been fortunate to serve with a lot of great Americans that people refer to as Heroes.  There have been roughly 6,500 Service members who have lost their lives serving their country in both Iraq and Afghanistan.  I would guess less than a 100 have a bronze plaque with a room named after them.  Even less at a Combatant Command.  Think about this, 50 years from now meetings will be held in the William J. Barnette room.

I've always been proud of Will.  Ever since I met him over six years ago.  Everything he's done has made me proud to call him my boyfriend, my ex-boyfriend, my boyfriend, my ex-boyfriend (and so on and so forth for a solid two and a half years), and finally, my fiance.  We were together for just over four years at the time of his accident and no matter how mad at him I was - I was always proud of his dedication to his service to this country.  Because of this, we did most of our relationship apart - deployments, being stationed abroad - we did it all.  But because he loved this country so much and was so proud to be part of the military - I was proud of him.  And it was okay to be apart, because he was making a difference. 

I have never been more proud of him than I am now.  He has been gone for two years - but the things that people still say about him are incredible. He is making a difference, even in his passing - this room will be a crucial role in the military operations at that base from here forward and Will was an integral part in that.  

Will was the best person that I have ever known.  I remember telling someone that I knew I wanted to be with him because he made me want to be a better person. I feel that way even now - there is hardly anything that I do without thinking of him first.  I have lived my life since his death thinking about what would make him proud. He was one of the good ones - kind, compassionate, loving, smart, loyal, funny - everything that you want in a husband and a friend.  If anyone has ever deserved their name to be molded in bronze and installed on a wall at a DoD building - it's Will.

And on to 2014!

Do you ever have one of those moments where you look around and think 'Holy Crap!!! It's 2014?!?! When did that happen?!?!?!'.  Ummmm... No?  Hmmm... 

Well.  I did.  Yesterday and today I've been pretty darn shocked that it's 2014 already.  And I'm pretty excited about it.  2014 is going to be my year.  It's totally in the bag.  I saw this yesterday and yes... just yes... 

It's going to be a good year.  I refuse to settle for anything less.  

So... what's up on the priority list for 2014?  I don't really do resolutions - that just seems to set me up for failure.  But I do have priorities for this year... most are private (as they should be!) but here are a few that I'm willing to share: 

• Call my grandpa more often.  There will come a time when he won't be around to talk to - I want to make sure I take advantage of him while he's just a phone call away.
• Be more organized and keep my house clean.  It's so easy for me to get cluttery (is that a word?!) - time to be a real adult... with an organization system. 
• Spend more time in the kitchen.  In 2013, this came in waves - but since I've moved into my house - I really haven't cooked a whole lot.  I'm doing this in 2014!
• Blog more.  You are welcome. 

Okay... enough about my 2014 goals.  I wish that I had something awesome else to say... but I don't.  It's been a slow couple of weeks. I did do the Polar Bear Plunge yesterday - that was awesome.  Even though I'll be the first to admit that I chickened out and didn't put my head under.  I learned two important lessons of polar bear plunges: 1) Wear shoes, and 2) Don't stop moving when you hit the water.  Next year, I'm going all in. 

Merry Christmas Y'All!

Merry Christmas y'all! Tis the season - the presents have been unwrapped, the annual Molle Mexican food fiesta is in the oven, 'A Christmas Story' has been watched at least twice, and I'm drinking my 2pm glass of wine (don't judge me - it's a holiday). 

This time of year can be incredibly stressful for some people - myself included (hence the 2pm glass of wine).  I think it's very easy for people to review the last year and start to panic about all the things left undone, messed up, or not yet started.  It's even easier when you start to add massive amounts of family time into that and all the inevitable questions that come from great aunt Shirley, like - why aren't you married?  how is your job?  why can't you deadlift 300 pounds yet? yada, yada, yada.  (For the record, I don't have a great Aunt Shirley - but I do picture the voice in my head sometimes.  And if I did have a great Aunt Shirley - she'd probably not ask me about my deadlift.)

So... instead of thinking of the unfinished, questionable, and bad things from 2013 - I've decided to take a minute to review what went well.  So... here are some of the highlights of 2013:

• Started the year with friends in Tahoe. Fabulous trip.  Got back to Seattle just in time to do my first CrossFit competition.  Didn't do well but had an awesome time.  Also, didn't die.  Victory!
• Became a CrossFit coach.  Scary but fabulous.  So glad I did it.  
• Ran Tough Mudder Whistler.  Okay... by ran, I really mean ran/walked/complained for 13 miles.  But didn't die. Victory!  (And now that I've forgotten how badly it hurt, I would totally do it again.) 
• Bought a house and rescued a dog.  Pretty much turned my life upside down.
• Competed in my first solo CrossFit competition (Bacon Beatdown).  Didn't do bad.  Didn't do well.  But didn't die.  Came in right in the middle.  Victory!
• Competed in my third CrossFit competition with a team of friends - did well!  Didn't win. Didn't even feel close to dying.  Victory!
• Left my job.  Am taking early retirement.  (Just kidding.  I'm totally looking for another job.)

So... instead of being stressed about all your 2013 to-dos that have been left undone - how about you take a minute to make your own highlight list?  Look forward to 2014 and a chance to get it all done.  That's what I'm doing anyways. 

What Are You Thankful For?

Happy Thanksgiving y'all!  Today's the day when we gather with our family and friends to salivate in the kitchen for hours and then eat ourselves into a tryptophan-induced coma while watching too much football and drinking too many cocktails. (What? That's not the norm for you?)

Check it.  I made a turkey.  It's a mini turkey.  But a turkey nonetheless.

While you are spending your time overindulging, I hope that you are also able to take a second to be thankful (after all - that is the reason for the day.  Contrary to popular belief, it's not just the day before Black Friday.). Today, we will eat more food than some people get to see in a month and we are safe and warm in our homes surrounded by loved ones.  There are a lot of things that aren't perfect - but today, instead of complaining, try to embrace the things that are pretty darn good. 

Today, I'm thankful for a lot.  My parents are here to share the holiday with me and help me with things around the house which is much appreciated.  They brought their adorable puppy who makes everything just a little bit better (I mean, really, EVERYTHING is better with a puppy).  The Cowboys are losing (scratch that, the Cowboys won. Damnit.).  I've managed to not burn down my house while cooking Thanksgiving dinner (although it was touch and go for a bit). I have the best friends in the world (you know who you are!) - you keep me sane, you deal with my neurosis and you are just generally the best.  I'm pretty much just thankful to have the life that I have.  No, it's not always perfect (it's actually usually a hot mess) but it is what it is and I'm making the best of it!

So... what are you thankful for? 

Moving Forward

I wasn't sure how much about this I wanted to say - but yesterday was a weird day.  One of the weirdest that I've ever had.  It wasn't bad.  It wasn't good.  It was just weird.  Yesterday, I walked out the door of the company that I've been at for six years - and I'm not going back.  

No. I don't have a new job.  No. I don't know what I'm doing next. I am simultaneously excited and terrified. I haven't been happy where I'm at and have needed to look for a new job for a long time.  It's time.  Taking those steps out the door yesterday was the most relieving and the most terrifying thing that I have done in almost two years.  (And to clarify, even though it would have been totally badass - I didn't just walk out - I've spent the last week wrapping things up and leaving notes for everyone still there.  Like a responsible and professional adult.)

What now?  I don't know exactly.  It's the holidays so it will be nice to have a little bit of time off.  Financially, I'll be just fine for a while (as long as I stay far, far away from Lululemon and Nordies).  I'm excited to be able to take the time to look for something that I'll love.  I know that these things don't happen overnight, but I've got some really great people guiding me where they can and I have no doubt with a little time that I'll find something great.  (Do I sound confident?  Because I'm really trying.)

So.  Wish me luck.  Life is too short to be at a job that is sucking the life out of you. 

 Inspirational quote for the day:

In other news.  I have been cleared by my chiropractor and PT to compete in the Toys for Tots Throwdown next weekend.  Yay!  My back is doing much better and as long as I hold on to the pull up bar - I should be fine.  I probably won't PR my deadlift - but we'll see.  And my folks will be there to to see their first CrossFit competition - I'll probably have to keep my swearing to a minimum - although burpees usually make me sprew the F-word.  

Til next time, y'all. 

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Remember how I said that writing that I was excited about a new guy was probably going to be the kiss of death? Well.  Apparently it was.  Effffffffffffff.... 

This one was all on me though.  (Okay.  It was a little bit on him too.)  But mostly it was just me not feeling it.  So I decided to end it instead of leading him on and ultimately hurting him worse - that's the right thing to do, right??  Well.  It doesn't feel like it.  I still feel like I hurt the guy and that makes me feel terrible. 

So what now, you ask?  Well.  I think I need to take a break from the online dating.  I am officially stressed to the max between work and coaching and life in general.  I think I have probably used my lifetime capacity for stress management and now I can just barely muster the energy to deal with one stressful thing at a time.  I haven't worked out in a week, I wake up exhausted every morning, and I literally slept almost all day yesterday (in all fairness, my power was out - bed was the only place I could stay warm). A friend told me yesterday that I sounded 'angry' - well, I'm not necessarily 'angry' - but I'm not happy either.  I'm ready to be done with the fall.  Fall is the hardest time of the year for me - it's honestly one of the last times that I remember being truly happy. From now until January - pretty much everything is a memory and that's tough to deal with.  So... from now until January - I'm working on me.  I'm done with dating for now - if someone comes along who is fantastic, that's great.  But... three months of 'me' time, is very much needed.  I am just trying to get settled into my house and spend time with my dog.  These things make me happy and right now - I'm desperately in need of doing things that make me happy.

So... what is included in 'work on me' time?  I dunno.  Maybe I'll finally pick a new color for my ground floor bathroom (sky blue doesn't do it for me).  Maybe I'll organize my garage (I have to before Thanksgiving - my dad will have a heart attack if he sees the piles of CRAP that have grown in my garage).  I'm definitely going to start going to the gym more - two days a week just isn't cutting it.  Maybe I'll actually make a recipe out of the paleo cookbooks that I have picked up (heaven forbid!).  I'm going to have the girls over for a sweatpants, wine and gossip night.  I'm going to go see the monster (my bestie's two year old).  I'm going to train my dog. I'm going to plan a vacation.

Bacon Beatdown Recap

Hey y'all!  It's finally Bacon Beatdown weekend.  Eek!  I signed up for this in August and October felt like SUPER far away.  Turns out, it came WAY faster than I was expecting.  Here is a rundown of the workouts: 

WOD #1
5 minutes of thruster for total volume
Weight x reps = total score

WOD #2
6 ear-to-ear pullups (I know, WTF are those?!?!)
12 kb swings (36 lbs)
15 goblet squats

WOD #3
9-15-21
Hang cleans (75#)
Burpees (touch hands behind head, jump over bar - because normal burpees are apparently impossible)

WOD #4
1RM of snatch, clean and deadlift

WOD #5
Push-up ladder of deficit pushups and hand stand pushups

WOD #6
60 Double Unders 
50 20# wall balls (20#s?!?!)
40 50# slam balls
30 50# shoulder to shoulder slam balls
20 box jumps w/ 20# wall balls
10 rope scales (monkey style across a rope - ugh)

These workouts are hard.  Totally hard.  And not a fair representation of what was expected based on the 'scaled division' standards. 

A few days ago, I almost walked away from the competition entirely based off of the workouts themselves.  One rep maxes in a competition setting can be scary - it can be exhilarating too - but I know for me, I lose my form and push too far sometimes.  I'm not in tip-top shape right now, my training has been lagging because of my busy schedule.  The workouts totally freaked me out and I'm glad I didn't walk away without even trying - I had a great time hanging out this weekend and meeting lots of CrossFitters from other gyms.  I looked at Tara while 18 lanes of athletes were doing thrusters and dropping the bar left and right and just said "I love this shit!".  I do.  I totally love it.  I love the energy.  I love the sweat.  I love the swearing.  I love going to competitions and watching people push it to the brink.  I love pushing it to the brink.  

But here is the deal.  I know when to stop.  And yesterday, I needed to stop.  My body was done.  This is more than just CrossFit soreness.  I was totally toast.  And my heart wasn't in doing the last two workouts.  When your heart isn't in it, every muscle in your body hurts, and your back is threatening to give up on you - it's time to quit, it's not worth it.

My results for the weekend? 

WOD #1: 41 thrusters = 3075lbs total.  (When you look at it that way, it's super impressive.  I did 3075lbs worth of front squats and push presses.  I am a rockstar.)
WOD #2: 137 reps (or 4 rounds + 5 pullups.  Okay.  I KILLED the ear-to-ear pullups.  Considering a week ago, I was practically in tears because I thought I was going to get exactly zero - I'll totally take 5 rounds of them.)
WOD #3: 7:59. The worst.  I freaking hate burpees.  I was SO SLOW.  
WOD #4:  MY FAVORITE!!!!  PRs for all lifts! YAY!  
Snatch: 95lbs - almost stopped at 90.  Then the teeny tiny little girl behind me hit 95 and I refused to let her beat me.  Take that teeny Canadian girl.  
Clean: 125lbs.  I thought that was a record for my PR.  NOPE!  New PR.  YAY!
Deadlift: 265lbs.  This is a new old PR.  When we retested a few weeks ago, it was 240lb (down from 265lb six months ago.)  

Total place?  28 out of 39 (obviously the two DNFs dropped my ranking - but I'm okay with it - I actually still beat people who finished all events).  My best event was the 1RM event.  My worst?  The burpees.